I have tried many methods in my life to be successful, both financially and in personal growth. I bought and read lots of books, being good at self-study, absorbing and applying knowledge from them. By spending seven years studying investment methods, plus having a certain amount of savings and using leverage, I earned quite a lot of money in a short time. However, due to the stock market crash, I also lost a huge amount of money very quickly. I was very patient and waited for the stock market to recover, luckily not incurring much loss from the investment. Unexpectedly, what happened was that my mental health crashed and totally broke down afterwards.
It’s hard to believe the hurt and pain I experienced from the mental breakdown. In my personal opinion, it was much worse than the hurt and pain I felt from the stock market drops. When the stock market dropped, I didn’t care much. This was quite true because I couldn’t control the stock market trend, whether it was going up or down, just like no one can control the weather. I believed the market would recover within a year, and finally, it did resume as per my expectation.
Mental breakdown is a totally different case. In that state, I couldn’t control my mood, emotions, or thoughts. I was desperate, depressed, in low mood, and had no motivation. I felt like all my energy had gone. I didn’t want to do anything. I could barely handle tasks and maintain my daily life at the minimum level. I didn’t even want to survive. All my past interests and hobbies—I don’t know why—I wasn’t interested in anymore. My social interactions dropped, although I knew a few people in London. People unconsciously apply their own mental self-defence strategies; for me, my strategy was “addiction” because I felt totally exhausted and found so many failures in my life. I started to play iPhone online games a lot to kill time, although I was still going through the job-hunting process, but just skimping or half-heartedly.
Except for playing online games, I tried to figure out how to solve my mental health problem, depression. It’s not an easy task. Nowadays, people don’t welcome and avoid negative persons, just like avoiding a virus. For people who become desperate, it’s like a patient in the last stage of cancer—no medicine can help for treatment. I started by reading books about depression, emotional healing, and spiritual healing.
Frankly speaking, I didn’t have any expectations. I had read lots of psychology and mental health books previously, but I still couldn’t solve my heart pain issue that occurred a few years ago. I had also tried seeing a mental health therapist. Yes, you feel a bit better after seeing the therapist, but it soon reverted to the previous status. When I arrived in London, after paying the high rent, I couldn’t afford to see a therapist. I registered for NHS mental health services; CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is the most effective one per my understanding, so I chose this approach instead of one-to-one consultation. The therapists I met were very nice, and the service did provide me some kind of support; however, my situation didn’t improve much.
People always provide a quick way or solution that seems to work, such as a seminar or workshop about the topic, to help others. To me, I never believed that after joining an interview skills seminar, I would suddenly know interview skills and get job offers. The human heart is complicated to comprehend. One’s mental condition is related to one’s beliefs, values, and thoughts, which lead to one’s actions and behaviours. Constructive beliefs bring constructive behaviours; destructive beliefs bring destructive behaviours. Yes, we can observe our behaviours and try to change them—that’s the basic rule of cognitive behavioural therapy. However, I felt much worse about myself. By recording and observing my behaviours (like “monitoring”), I found I couldn’t control my behaviours and thoughts. I already lacked energy, and it felt like using my last bit of energy to prove how little energy I had. The activities themselves became equated with me. If I was lazy, I felt guilty. If I didn’t perform well or meet others’ expectations, I also felt bad about myself. My feeling was that no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t meet other people’s or society’s expectations; my life kept failing as usual.
Job hunting in London is an extremely frustrating process. I was told to update my CV, keep applying for jobs, and improve my interview skills, then I might be able to get a job. But when you look at the job descriptions, it seems like you’re never able to fulfil the requirements. Even some internship jobs don’t provide any salary. The ads claim that you can learn some skills or grow through that job. If graduated students need solid working experience to get a job, then what’s the purpose of spending years on education? To me, the internship experience is like a modern version of slavery. You provide your time and effort for the employer, but in return get nothing. I even read some online articles saying that even internship opportunities need to be competed for, needing internship experience to exchange for another internship experience. This world is so cruel that the last generation, our parents, cannot imagine. In their generation, as long as you were willing to work, you could get a job. As long as you worked hard, you could get enough money to survive. However, the world has changed so rapidly that everything and all the rules have changed. However, the world has changed so rapidly that everything and all the rules have changed. If a person’s value is only proved by his or her job, then I cannot find my meaning in this world, as I am simply an unemployed person.